Intimacy After Breast Cancer

Feeling Not So Sexy - Can't find the "turn on" button...

Not Caring That You Feel Not So Sexy - Not even looking for the "turn on" button

Read on Beloved, Read on

Sex after breast cancer is not just a simple getting released from the doctor's care and now you are back on. First off, most women report not being in the mood (what's libido?), but also not wanting to be touched. You're exhausted and tired (two different things), on some levels you hate your body, the scars, and the implants, your reconstruction hurts AND feels numb, and you are just plain old in pain...and tired. Add your loving, most understanding partner in the world that wants to reconnect and get horizontal and the not-so-subtle anxiety just kicked up a notch. Should sex be on my list of things to do? No sex is not a chore! 

You are not alone. It is hard to connect with your partner and bring the intimacy back in the day, the week, the month... has it really been a year? It's ok if it has been a year. We can work on that. It's ok if you are on your own and wish that you could even have the slightest inclination to feel a little sexy and want a reset. Even if you have the nicest, sweetest, most patient person in your life it can still show up and it does.  Intimacy after breast cancer...don't write it off just yet. Just give yourself some time and attention.

First, you get to reconnect with yourself. Sounds like work and lots of bother but this Beloved, is the way back in.

You get to reconnect with yourself! You get to know the woman who survived breast cancer. Take her out for a glass of wine and get to know her and how she thinks and feels. You might be thinking about how you have pain, or how you can't wear that one shirt you used to love because it doesn't fit right anymore. Or worried about how your breasts are gonna look, let alone feel, even in the eyes and arms of your true love. Get to know yourself and those deep thoughts and feelings. 

When you are in survival mode aka Fight or Flight, you are in warrior mode and tired as all get out. Naturally, your guard is up so pleasure is not even on your radar. Day to day in survival mode of just getting all the things done and managing your pain on top of it? That’s a lot going on. In survival mode, it’s easy to put all kinds of self-care to the side; for later. The same thing with intimacy, “It’s not really where I am yet. I'm sure we'll get there someday...” Hense the year(s).

You want to feel better. You want some "get up and go". Libido...Yes, get me some of that! Where's the pill for that?

Easy to go there.

We have been trained by our medical system to expect that. 

A quick fix though is not the long game where true healing takes place and transformations happen. You could take a pill for libido but your body still might not want to be touched with all of the lingering pain and tightness, fatigue, anxiety, and numbness to just name a few.

Healing is not a light switch, as in on or off, but an easing back into doing what you love and discovering new bits of you along the way. 

Vitality and vulnerability are my favorite V words. Reconnecting with yourself is such a huge part of letting yourself feel vulnerable which is the key component to intimacy. I had a woman I worked with that had lingering pain and tightness from a prophylactic mastectomy and we talked about doing scar release. She asked me if she could do the scar release through a washcloth in the shower. A pill is not gonna change that. She didn't want to touch her body. Beloved, you are not alone.

 So how do you find yourself vulnerable after breast cancer? (p.s.vitality is on the other side of that.)

THREE STEPS TO HELP YOU RECONNECT AND GET BACK INTO PLEASURE

See yourself, hear yourself, feel your body, your scars... reconnect.

TO BE SEEN

Take a few seconds to look at your scars and your body as you get out of the shower. If looking at your chest makes you too uncomfortable try to look at your face, or into your eyes. Add a "you are amazing" type banter and talk to yourself as you would a best friend. Lean into compassion and empathy where you can honor yourself instead of shaming. You can even try something simple, such as, “I survived,  my body is healing, and Babe, you are doing great!” If you have trouble coming up with supportive words on the spot you can try to think of affirmations to write on post-it notes and put on the mirror that you read to yourself. What might you need or want to hear? Slowly and surely you can start to build up your confidence. (aka Shazam)

To Be Touched

If you are open to touch, one of those ways is through gentle, sustained compression. Put your hands on your body. You can start through your shirt and then hold a spot on the side of your chest. While doing this just think and feel and notice what shows up. Do you have fight or flight reactions, such as your heart rate and your breath speeding up? Does it ramp up in certain spots on your body versus others? One side of your chest versus the other? Your brain might be telling you how ugly that scar is and how no one’s going to want to look at it or touch you. You just observe and notice. These thoughts are just thoughts and not the truth and not so helpful. You can notice that you have an inner critic (inner protector) in there that's telling you different things. It's always running in the background so just by watching, it can lose some of its power over you. Then you can add a new voice that's positive and supportive and says what you really want to hear! "I am a badass and healing every day!" Find other words to describe your body that represent your journey. Your scars are a big example of how your body heals!! You are strong and courageous, and now have a new sense of how precious life is. Feel all the feels...and hold yourself; honoring the amazing woman that you are!

TO BE HEARD

Whether you're working on your scar, on your breast, or another area, notice the first thirty seconds. Touch may bring up a prickly feeling like "ick and you don't like it". You might start thinking of all the things you should be doing instead. "I should probably reorganize my sock drawer..." Notice those first thirty seconds may even be a little pain. Sometimes pain can be the body trying to protect itself. So easy does it and ease up a bit and linger...after those thirty seconds, your body might soften, the ick feeling lessons and you feel it but it's not in the pain category. Over the next week or so keep adding the time until you are in the two to five-minute range. For two to five minutes, you’re holding your body and adding the art of deep listening. You’re listening to your thoughts, feelings, and all the sensations. Let yourself be heard.

After beginning to connect with yourself and you feel you would like to move into connecting with your partner, start small. For example, sitting next to them and putting your hand on their knee, holding hands, or trading foot rubs.

Partner Exercise - sit or stand facing your partner palm to palm. Gaze into each other's eyes. Notice the sensation of your hands touching. The color of their eyes...ten seconds...fifteen. Build up time with practice. Short sessions with consistency and find your way to two minutes with ease. Bridge the gap and reconnect.

When you’re having dinner together, try talking about something that doesn't have to do with your schedule or what you got done today. Those little moments of connection will build into trust which creates that space for vulnerability to show up. Don't be afraid to speak to your partner about the things that scare you as well. When sharing those deep thoughts and fears it can soften little of the burden of holding all of that inside and being witnessed where you are can be ever so healing.

It’s a lot easier to talk about intimacy with your partner away from the moments of intimacy. Maybe don’t bring it up when you're in bed and there's pressure to be intimate, talk about it at breakfast instead. Communicate with them, “I’m thinking about starting on the path back to sex, but I’m not there yet.” (Here's that beautiful communication that leads to trust and vulnerability.) You can tell them how you’re implementing new exercises and suggest doing one together. This way they can participate with you, you can bond over it, and there's no pressure to be physical. These moments over time can build up and bring you back to the place where you're comfortable being vulnerable, enjoying pleasure, your body, your partner's body, and letting yourself be held. 

TIPS

Something to be aware of is your threshold. We discuss this a lot in my online course, From Breast Cancer to Beloved Bust. If you’re having a busy day, feel overwhelmed, and stuck in survival mode, be in tune and aware of yourself knowing this may not be a good day to practice some of these things with your partner. If you’re a scheduled or structured type of person you can always schedule this as well if you feel that it would work better for you. DATE NIGHT!!!

If you get to the place where you're comfortable being intimate with your partner again, but you experience vaginal pain that can be addressed as well. We have scar release therapy and pelvic floor therapy to help with this in our Saint Louis clinic. Consider talking to your OBGYN about ideas or suggestions. They would also be the ones who can give you a PT script for pelvic floor work. There is also the possibility that menopause could be affecting your pain with sex as well. All kinds of lubes and information exist that could make this enjoyable for you again. It's important to remember to work with your pain and not push through it. Ignoring pain can create bracing that brings on the fight or flight and pleasure is on the back burner. Bracing and letting go are not friends. While the art of letting go is best friends with pleasure.

It is so beautiful to connect with you and your partner again. You get to be loved as you are so lovable and worthy! After going through breast cancer, it is so important to savor the things that you love, so bring more of that into your life! Yes to spontaneous moments of flirting, conversations of vulnerability, and sex after breast cancer! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Click to learn more about my Scar Release 101 online class.